Dearest January,

I had a real blast last year. I had the best of year 2011. I received countless blessings. I fulfilled a lot of dreams. Many opportunities came my way.

I welcomed 2012 with a thankful heart. I vowed to celebrate life every day. I committed myself that I will be brave to embrace the graces and opportunities God will give me.

I have great plans for 2012. My travels. My RDL retreat. My crazy 20 of 12. My career endeavors. And more. I am ready for life.

But I guess life is more ready for me.

Prayers of my prayer warriors had been heard. I received a gift that I never expected, planned or desired. With fears I welcomed the opportunity to open the door to something that is unfamiliar, unknown and definitely I cannot rationalize.
True, as I welcome this chance, I am going out of my comfort zone. I am opening the possibility to either change or re-affirm my previous decisions. I am allowing myself to detach from my subjective inclinations and biases.

I am reconsidering my choices. I am searching for answers. I am looking for meaning.

I have my fears, my doubts, my discomfort to the ambiguity of things, my questions to the possibilities. I cried many times because of this. All of them are tears of surrender. I am not giving up, but I am submitting myself to fully discern about this matter.

To be honest, my heart is happy I am enjoying every step in this journey to discovery. Each unfolding moment brings joy that I can’t name nor measure. Side by side with happiness and joy, I face each day with difficulty, I have to unlearn many things, I have to let go of some old ways. I have to die to my old self, and give birth to a new.

About this matter, I don’t have game plans, no theoretical framework, no experiments, no expectations.

Only prayers.

And one genuine desire to go through this discernment journey.

I am taking my time, basking in the grace of the moment, relishing in the here and now, where my God wants me to be.

As I said goodbye to you to welcome February, I thank you for the surprises. With you, this year already made its mark to be unforgettable.

Sincerely,

Heartbeats