3in1

[suitor+siopao+waves]

I’ve heard many love stories and 3in1 is one of them. Unfortunately, like a great number of heart journeys, theirs belong to the cluster of the busted files.

Siopao is Suitor’s one true love. The story of his love for her goes along way back. On his end, it was a story woven from an entwined series of deep emotional involvement, a young man’s golden dream and a clear call to love.

The First Wave
After months of presentation, declaration and actualization, his love was declined. Yet, it was a love that knew no rejection. It survived being hidden and unrecognized. It bloomed, though betrayed and unrequited. It remained strong after many storms. It survived countless encounters with natural death.

The Second Wave (after two years)
Like some love stories, theirs was given a probable second chance (when her first choice failed). After a long period of time, Siopao sought him out. Once more, Suitor came upon her like a gallant knight. He did everything to give her company during her dark moments of brokenness. In the process, he allowed himself to be more vulnerable yet deeply happy. He was more in love with her. Like mighty warrior, he risked again to face the battle of love. This time he was more familiar with what lies in the battlefield. But no greater pain was that of a loss because of betrayal of someone who deemed to be his best ally. There is no greater pierce of sword that of losing the battle without warning because of hidden realities grounded on the unreasonable principle of persons concerned. However, the dagger that wounded him most was the truth concealed by Siopao herself, a relevant reality she kept unknown to him because she feared of hurting him.

Once more, she cannot love him back because her heart beats for another, his bestfriend. The only and hardest option that was left to him was to stop fighting the battle—not because the possibility of winning is impossible but because that will make her happy.

Apologies from Siopao dcannot placate his tears, cannot appease his broken heart, not even soothe the painful betrayal nor alleviate the throbbing rejection. He was defeated again, squared and cheated by an ally and his beloved.

As Suitor drags his feet and walks on his dark tunnel again, my prayer goes to him. May he be able to cry out his frustrations through tears; in every word muttered in agony may he shed the pain of betrayal; in every move made in brokenness may he be able to gather himself again; may he be able to find the strength and the courage to continue walking.
I cannot blame Siopao for her actions, for I believe that there is no easy way to break somebody’s heart. I pray that she may truly be happy in her decision. I hope that she made the right choice.
I pray that both of them may experience true love--whether in happiness or in pain.
[this is the story i promised to suitor while at starbucks one august moonlit night]

Kwentong Starbucks

Starbucks—isang lugar na paborito ko sa buong mundo. 2004 ng mahilig ako sa kape. 2005 ng magsimula akong mag kolekta ng starbucks tumblers. Pero ang pinakagusto ko sa lahat ay ang kwentong starbucks kasalo ang mga pusong nakikibahagi nito. ‘Di mabilang, ‘di makalimutan, yakap ng isipan—ang mga kwentong starbucks na nailatha sa buhay ko--
► Marami at makulay na kwentong starbucks kasama ni summer
► Mga kwentong starbucks  na takas sa dilim at tanghaling puslit kasama si sunshine
► Up to sawa na kwentong starbucks kasama si computer wizard
► Q and A kwentong starbucks kasama si manila girl at tumbelina
► Lovefilled kwentong starbucks kasama ang beloved twins towers at donya
► Makabuluhang kwentong starbucks kasama ang mga kaibigang reserved at may belo.
► Comedy at walang kupas na kwentong starbucks kasama ang very old friends.
►Relaxing at usapang puso, kwentong starbucks kasama si strawberry at mga kaibigan.
► Masaya at walang katulad na kwentong starbucks kasama ang witches.
Inaabangan ko ng buong galak na mahabi ang kwentong starbucks kasama ang anim na napiling mga kaibigan [kung sa tingin mo isa ka dito, sabihin mo lang kung kelan ka pwede at treat ko ang starbucks coffee mo :-)]—-
► Siopao’s Suitor—ganyan talaga pag nagmamahal, may luha at pait, tanggapin kasi dakila at wagas ang iyong pag-ibig. Nandito lang ako kakampi at karamay. Masaya ako bilang ate mo.
► Accidental Angel—Salamat sa mga oras ng pagsama at pagdamay. Sa minsanang mga araw ng luha at gabi ng pagkabalisa salamat at nariyan ka. Sana makatulong rin ako sa proseso ng buhay mo. Panalangin ko na sagutin Niya ang lahat mong dasal.
► Mysterious George—matagal na kitang kakilala pero hanggang ngayon misteryoso pa rin ang iyong buong pagkatao, inaabangan ko ang malalim at seryosong kwentuhan kasama ka. Minsan ka lang tumawa pero lubos mo akong napapasaya.
► Ms. Big-Time Dubai—matagal na tayong ‘di nagkikita at sobrang miss na kita. Sana malapit na ang oras ng pag-uwi mo gusto na kitang makasama.
► Best Marigold—sa panatag at payapang puso at isipan ikaw ang kakwentuhan, isang pagdiriwang para sa biyaya ng magandang pagkakaibigan. Salamat sa lahat, ate ko.
► Mr. Cannon—sa mga taon na hindi tayo nagkasama, nananatiling kaibigan kita. Salamat at malapit ka na, sana madalas na kitang makasama. Hangad ko na lubos kang maging maligaya at dasal ko ang hiling ng iyong puso.

Hangad ko rin na madalas makasama sa kwentong starbucks (pero hindi ko na ito libre, hahaha)ang mga tao na minsan nang naging bahagi ng kwentong kape ng buhay ko.
► Buko juice society (para maiba naman, try natin ang kape, baka malasing din tayo)
► The pigs (tara at magpakalunod tayo sa tawa at saya, patuloy ang baboik life!)
► Dr R at residents of pooh (old and new) kasama si marigold at maya.
► Witches, warlocks and kids (bagong lugar sa ika 14 na taon ng ating pagkakaibigan)
► Lovelines (to the moon and back I held you close to my heart)
► tcb* buddies at mga gintong kaibigan sa ateneo
► Hairbrush, lolas&boylets at mga piling kaibigan na natagpuan sa landas ng buhay.Sana maulit ang kwentong starbucks namin ni summer, sunshine, computer wizard at super B.

Masaya akong nag-aabang na sana ang bawat tasa ng kape ay magbigay daan upang maipanganak ang bagong kwentong starbucks, pwede ring balikan ang mga kwentong matagal nag ‘di napag-usapan at dugtungan ang mga kwentong nalampasan lagyan ng katapusan.H
anda na ako at ang aking puso, makibahagi kasama mo at ang kape..
One choco chip frap for applethea

stop over

Hindi mawawala sa byahe, lalo na yung malalayong paglalakbay. Para saan nga ba ang stop over?
Maka pagpahinga ang sasakyan.
Tugunan ang panawagan ng kalikasan.
Punan ang kumakalam na sikmura.
Ipikit ang inaantok na mata.
Ituwid ang mga paa.
Bumili ng pasalubong.
At kung ano pa man.

Dapithapon, nakaupo sa isang sulok ng McDonalds habang naghihintaysa inorder na cokefloat at fries, naitanong ko sa aking sarili ano nga ba ang stop over sa buhay ko?

Marami nang stop over ang napagdaanan ko.
Stop over para itanong sa sarili, nasa tamang landas ba ako?
Ito ba ang pangarap ko?
Masaya ba ako sa ginagawa ko?
Stop over para pakingggan ang saloobin ano nga ba ang makabubuti?
Alin ang nararapat piliin?
Ano ba ang tamang gawain?
Stop over para manahimik.
Balikan ang nakaraan, matuto ng mga aral sa karanasan.
Mag-alay ng pasasalamat.
Magplano ng kinabukasan.
Manatili, magdasal at magnilay.
Huminto at hayaan ang sariling umiyak sa pagkabigo.
Maging masaya at ipagdiwang ang munting tagumpay.
Mamahinga sandali upang magkaipon ng lakas.Hay… ito marahil ang mga dahilan sa mga stop over ng buhay ko.
Ikaw ano ang kwentong stop-over mo?

18.VII.2010y

Wohooow! another Wednesday!

I started my day early. Despite the cloudy sky at dawn,
I had a sweaty road run downtown.
I attended the morning Mass at the school chapel,
and proceeded to the café for a hearty breakfast shared with a friend
One of my favorite song tuned up the music for the day —swept away.

I went to the office with smiles and excitement for the day ahead.

The lines woven in the pdi article I read two Sundays ago keep on repeating inside my mind specially when I learned last night that a gentleman sent a reply to the letter, of which I look forward of reading the soonest possible time.
I had a soft copy of the “she letter”, got it from the pdi website but I what I want to read is the “he letter”. Too bad, I missed the newspaper last Sunday due to a volunteer work in the upland barangay. This letter-struck moments maybe encouraged by Ms. Honey’s tagged in the fb note or the conversation with Mr. Kua last night or maybe the idea floated during breakfast to discuss it in his class today.
True to his plan, Mr Kua brought me the “she letter” article cut out from the newspaper and requested me to write it in manila papers for his class. He showed me the “he letter” yet refused to let me read it.
As I began writing the “she letter” I found it uncomfortable to write in my own desk so I went to another office. I’ve written every word of the letter in three and one fourth pieces of manila paper in the solitude of pooh corner.
Little did I know that as I rewrite the letter it would stir something within me, creating new waves of swirls that I can’t explain yet brought some degree of excitement within that I can’t name.

Waaaah.

The stirrings inspired to write my own version of the "she letter".

Dearest You,

I admit that unlike many, I did not spent many hours searching, asking and dreaming about who you are, what do you do and where you are? Not that I do not like the idea of you but maybe because my priorities do not include the subject of you. I admit for many years I never gave much attention if you really exist or the possibility of your presence in my life.

Inspired by the two love letters I read, allow me to write this article. Pardon me for I will not be able to write assurances as to how I will love you the way she did but let me share something about myself. Hopefully, this will be relevant information that you might find reasonable to consider if the chance of weaving the story of us become possible or probable. Just in case, as need arises.

I am a positive person, care free, candid and spontaneous. Changes and surprises give me excitement. I have the streak of being an OC. I choose carefully my battles and weave carefully my strategic plans. I discern my choices, options and opportunities. There are also times that I have negative feelings about myself, settle for mediocrity and indifferent to changes. Sometimes, I am impatient, impulsive and stubborn.Sometime in the future maybe, you and I will be better than who we are now. Hopefully by that time, our differences will highlight opportunities of compromise that even in our lights and shadows we can create beautiful fusion.

All my life I’ve been raised in a protective love shield by my family of which I am deeply grateful. I do not have MMK episodes in my life story, yet I know the realities of life’s drama. There had been few selected moments that put my strengths into test but then I believe that there is courage in me that makes me strong to transcend during era of difficulties. Brokenness, rejection and loneliness seldom occur in my life yet I trust myself not to crumble in testing times. There are days that I soaked in tears, I curled in solitude, I doubt and I fail; but then I hold on to hope that all shall pass by and I can make it.When our time comes, I hope that we will be both emotionally mature to be real to our emotions, we may have vulnerabilities and shortcomings but I pray that we bring out always the best in each other.

I am blessed to have known many good friends through the years and I nurture clusters of genuine friendship. I treasure friendship built on trust and openness. I am not specifically attached to them but I value genuine connections of lives and hearts. I had given my heart totally to love once, experienced the pain of letting go and survived the struggle of moving on. I beleive, I am whole again. I turned down two opportunities to love again because of fear, personality differences and non-negotiable terms. Now, I believe that I learned from all of them. I don’t have regrets, indeed all is grace. You may not be my first love and I'm not yours, but may we be able to love another enough to make it lasts. May our hearts share the same vision and may we become the best partners in life.

I am fond of early road runs, long walks, mass every day, happy meals, tea or coffee stories and bucket list. I love to smile always. I laugh out loud and real. I have passion for light conversations, deep communications, signals and methaphoric story lines, interesting ideas, serious dialogues, strong principles, realistic convictions and heart talks. I like, air gaps, silent tranquil moments and solitary moon visits. I’m into feel-good movies, I giggle over cheesy lines, I swoon over love stories, my heart beats up during thriller films and I do not watch horror ones. My interests include reading books, psp, soccer (basketball too) and gardening (cooking?). I sing off tune but I can draw. I cannot play hula hoop yet I'm good in skipping rope. I love adventure travels and road trips. I do write, articulate my thoughts, name my emotions and listen to the stirrings within. I am responsible for my actions and committed to my passion. I am stubborn, persistent, playful, corny, sassy, eccentric and weird. I like sunshine, the moon makes my heart jump and I see myself as one of the bright stars. I am proud that I am scarred and truly beautiful. I celebrate life the way I know how and you live yours. When the probability opens that we can share a life together may we be supportive of each other and may we inspire one another. May we protect each other's interest and together, may we continue to aspire for the best.

I deeply love God. I embrace His Will, though at times with resistance and reluctance. I also love Mary, Joseph and the Saints. My life is a cycle of death and rebirth, a continuous purification. I am not perfect and will never be, but I fully embrace my fate to become the best that I can be. I commit myself to live out my essence and purpose as a person. I have great dreams and I pray to achieve all of them.

If this voyage of life leads me to you, I will be happy, by then, I will look at the moon and he will smile at me. I’ll bow my head in thanksgiving to the Maker. I will trust you my heart and will allow you to hold my hand and we will walk side by side to the path of love.

for all that will be,
I remain to be,
Me

[inspired by the column Roots and Wings, PDI, August 8 and 15, 2010. thank you Mr. Kua for the "he letter" and more for asking me to rewrite the "she letter". toinks!]

ballgame

ano ang mas mainam
ang kasama ka na pilit tinatago ang pakiramdam
o malayo ka na ‘di mawaglit sa isipan?

ano ang mas madali para sa tulirong puso
mang-iwan para malimot ng lubusan
o maghintay na ikaw ay iwanan?

ano ang mas mabuting gawin
sabihin lahat na nasa damdamin
o kung makagugulo lamang patuloy na ilihim?

Tatlumpong araw na akong nagtatanong
hanggang ngayon,
bola ano ka nga ba?

Mag isip.
Makiramdam.
Magnilay.
Magdasal.
Magmasid.

Hayaan lang.
Huwag pigilan.

Yakapin ng buo ang pakiramdam.
Pakinggan ang tibok ng puso.
Tulutang dumaloy ang luha.
Ibigay ang sarili sa bawat ngiti.
Patuloy na magtanong.
Maghangad ng kasagutan.
Magdasal, magdasal at magdasal.


Panghawakan ang katotohanan
ang lahat lilipas lang
darating ang araw
lahat ay maiintindihan.

sige lang, sige lang
tuloy ang laban

ang bola ay buwan
ang buwan ay bola.

Moon story three

May mga gabi na wala ang buwan. Kapag tumingala sa langit tanging mga tala lamang ang naaaninag sa karimlan. Nakakalungkot may kulang.

Nasaan kaya ang buwan?
Sa kanyang pag-iisa ano kaya ang kanyang pakiramdam?
Panatag kaya siya na walang kasama?
Sa pagkabalisa nagnanais din kaya siya na may makausap?
O baka may pumapatak na luha sa kanyang bawat pagkurap?

subalit pwede namang

Masaya siya na mag-isang nagmumuni-muni?
Niyayakap niya ang makahulugang sandali na maupo sa isang tabi at pagmasdan ang mga pangyayari?
Maaari naman na may ngiting gumuguhit sa kanyang labi tuwing naaalala ang mga masasayang gunita?
O sa katahimikan malayang tumitibok ang kanyang puso at nararamdaman ang kalayaan sa bawat paghinga?

Alam ko ang ganitong pakiramdam.
Ang lungkot at saya sa pag-iisa.
Ang paghahangad at kapanatagan habang nasa isang tabi.
Ang luha at ngiti habang nagtatago.

Ramdam ko ang ganitong damdamin sapagkat sa mga oras na gusto ong mapag-isa, manatili sa isang tabi, magtago…

Ang pinaka medaling paraan ay magsabi na
Ako ay nasa buwan



[august’s moonless nights. in silence. embracing the solitude. waiting]

tcb*

The door is open come in.
You are welcome, feel at home.
Find your place in the couch.
Take a seat in your favorite spot.

Lean on. Sit back.
Deeply breath. Relax.

Order taken.
Wait.
Here it is.
Smile. Smile back.
Touch. It’s hot.
Inhale. Rare aroma.
Sip. Beautiful heaven.

Let the pleasant conversation flow.
Allow the relaxing dynamics to carry you through.
Speak up your mind.
Feel the emotions.
Act spontaneously.
Share conviction. Resonate with appreciation.
Sense the heartbeats. Listen to the stirrings within.
Be candid. Be sassy.
Be real. Be free.
Here, you are who you are,
deeply loved with your strengths and scars.
This is your place.
This is you.

Touch. Inhale. Sip.
Feed you mind with wisdom.
Let your heart feel what is real.
Allow your spirit to embrace and celebrate the magnificent gift of life.
over
a cup of hot green tea with calamansi, sago and gulaman
flavored with mint/lemongrass/honey/.

Touch. Inhale. Sip.
This is life. Live it. Love it.

summer*

Summer is one of my favorite time of the year and my favored season next to Christmas. In my life, summer means vibrant colors, happy adventures and special people.

I had many colorful and exciting april-may stories. The best is about Summer.

Remembering Summer.

We met in an eden at the middle of the metro where
chirping birds and noisy crickets are odd music to the ears,
tall grasses and big trees are uncommon sights
moonlight and starry sky are rare scenes.

Summer captured my attention at first smile. The meeting was unplanned. Circumstances were both a surprise and a discovery, both unfolded beautifully. For one heart was asking fate many questions and another soul was searching for directions.

Indeed it was rare, free fall, innocent love.

We made beautiful music under the heat of the blazing sun. We walked countless times along with vibrant summer blooms. In the serenity of our eden, we shared our life stories-- the struggles of winning, the pain of losses, tireless searching, the joy in finding. And while enjoying the harvests of the season, two hearts discovered the magic , the bliss of falling in love.

After many years, the memories of summer linger not anymore with pains of separation, no more struggles of letting go and empty of difficulties of moving on. These days, I remember Summer with his gentle heart who taught me to love genuinely to the point of setting free.

which one is better?

i read this from somewhere.
copied and read it again.
somehow it makes sense.


there is a difference between goodbye and letting go
GOODBYE is
I'll see you again when I'm ready to hold your hand and you're ready to hold mine
LETTING GO is
I'll miss your hand but I realized it's not mine to hold and will never hold it again.

i asked myself:
in what situations goodbye is the option?
in what circumstances letting go is the solution?

for a
confuse mind
broken heart
withered spirit
rejected soul

will there ever be a better option between goodbye and letting go
when hope is an enemy and the closest ally?

kwento ng gitna

PAGHAHANGAD
I am a leaf and you are my tree
speak up and talk to me.
Hold my hand and make me stay
do not allow the wind to take me away.


PAGPAPALAYA
I pray that you will be able to know the genuine
and right path to fully live your life.
No matter how difficult it will be,
your happiness is more than enough for me.

ang mahalaga ay kung paano nilubos ang paghahangad,
ang importante ay gaano naging bukas sa pagpapalaya
at paano ibinigay ang sarili sa pagyakap sa KWENTO NG GITNA.

Moon story two

Natapos na naman ang isang araw ng paglalakbay. Maayos namang naitawid ang maghapon. Sa pagsapit ng isang takipsilim ‘di ko alam ko saan ang daang pupuntahan.

Ano kaya ang bukas?
Paano kaya ang gabi lilipas?

Dumating si Gabriel at nagtanong kung gusto ko kumain? Malamang gutom na ako kaya naman emo. Nakasalubong namin ang maraming kakilala at napadaan sa maraming kwentuhan. Tumigil kami at naghintay sa mga kaibigang makakasama sa hapag kainan. Ang tagal naman kumakalam na ang aking sikmura.

Sa katahimikan…
Ngumiti sa akin ang buwan.

Masayahin akong tao at hindi mahal ang aking ngiti. Ito ay napakamura na halos ipamahagi ko na sa lahat. Siguro ang isa sa pinakamaganda kong ngiti ay naibigay ko sa buwan ngayon. Lubos akong nabighani sa ganda nya okey lang malipasan ng gutom dahil halos makalimutan ko na ang hapunan sa ganda ng tanawing aking nasilayan.

Nag sms ako kay Great Poet na nasa kanluran ng Pilipinas. Natawa ako ng tinanong nya ako kung ano ang buwan ngayon sa akin. Marahil kilala nya ako na ang simpleng ngiti ko ay talagang may pinaghuhugutang malamim na dahilan at siguro duda na rin sya sino ba talaga ang buwan.

Sobrang ganda ng buwan ,lubos niya akong napapasaya .
Pero dahil sya ang buwan ‘di pwedeng angkinin at hawakan
kaya lulubusin ko na lang na siya ay tingnan.
Siguro may mga pagkakataon na ganyan
kahit gaano man na sya gustuhin hanggang tanaw kolang.

Natawa rin ako sa reply niya sa akin ganoon din daw ang buwan sa akin.

Sa bukang liwayway na lang ako magtatanong kung paano ang bukas. Masaya ang gabi at ito na siguro ang paraan kung paano ang dilim lilipas.

Muli akong nabighani sa ganda ng buwan. Kakaiba talaga sya tila ba sa sulyap lang nya ang puso ay dinuduyan sa tuwa.

Napasulyap ako kay Gabriel at ngumiti sya sa akin. Sabi nya masaya talaga ngayon ang buwan. Ang sagot ko, oo alam ko, kasi yun din ang sabi ng aking puso. Malakas na halakhak ang sagot nya sa akin, pero alam ko sya ay kumbinsido.

Muli, ngumiti sa akin ang buwan.